Conflict in the Calling

The conflict inside of me:

Conflict of beliefs, of calling, of invitation.

Conflict of stay or go

Conflict of doubt or believe

Conflict of question or trust

Conflict of safety or adventure

Conflict of tradition or reckless faith

Conflict of family or true belonging

Conflict of logical understandings or heart yearnings

Conflict of the old me or Abba’s dream for me.

The calling within me:

Whispers of calling, of the Gentle Voice of invitation.

Whispers of outrageous love

Whispers of gentle wooing

Whispers of brave courage

Whispers of relentless grace

Whispers of eternal redemption

Whispers of greater purpose

Whispers of reckless passion

Whispers of fierce peace

Whispers of “Come to Me”

Whispers of “Stay with Me”

Whispers of “Walk beside Me”

Whispers of a calling beyond my wildest dreams

A song of intimate invitation

A song of delight breathed over me by my Abba

Abba surrounding me with his whispered love song.

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The Consult with the Master Surgeon

Pain deep inside wrapping itself around the center of my heart.

Anger wrapping its tentacles around my heart, squeezing the pain inside.

Distrust oozing throughout the depths of my heart.

This trifecta of infection slowly eating away my heart.

The infection spreading to my thoughts, my feelings.

The center of my heart hiding a gangrenous wound

When in walks the Surgeon.

The Surgeon tells me he sees me, the very center of me.

He knows the oozing wound;

He feels the steady, spread of my pain.

He senses the anger radiating from me, the distrust making me recoil from His touch.

He sits down on the edge of my bed where I lay nursing my pain.

He looks me in the eye and He tells me gently what He sees.

His x-ray vision missing nothing, His diagnosis right on target.

He knows better than I do what lies deep inside me.

I want to stay in a fetal position, curled around the wounds, protecting my pain.

But He takes my hands; He exposes my vulnerable, hurting heart.

He explains that I need to trust Him, trust His hands wielding the Surgeon’s instruments.

He tells me He’s performed these surgeries many times with great success rates.

I tell Him I just want to stay numb – He tells me He wants me to be present with Him.

I tell Him I’m scared the healing process will hurt too much –

He tells me He’ll be right beside me all the way.

He tells me the debridement of the infection will hurt but He’ll be gentle.

I tell Him I really don’t trust Him.

He says, “That’s okay but I’m not leaving because you need Me.”

 

 

Ode to a New Journal, A New Year

New Year, New Journal, fresh New Pages,

Pages blank and waiting for my story;

My life and times in this New Year.

This year of continued growth and change:

Change in the hands of my Abba Father,

Growth at his tender touch in my softened soul.

Prayers from the heart, a heart that longs for Love

Love and Presence in my life this New Year;

Prayers for openness to that Love and Presence

Prayers for guidance in the following of my heart’s stirrings.

Anticipation of the adventures in these stirrings of the New Year.

The calling of faith and trust in Love’s goodness toward me

Questions of where and when the adventure

But yet peace at the center of the yearning and the questions.

A New Year,  a New Heart, a New Strength in who Love is making me

A New Love for my Creator who dreams for me

A New Acceptance of Love and Presence in me

A New Journey awaiting me,

A New Determination to embrace that Journey.

–written January 6, 2018